Is it worth wearing real clothes?

Pop quiz:

Reasons you should wear a stretchy headband:

a) It's a fashionable accessory for your outfit
b) To disguise that your hair hasn't been washed for 3 days
c) You just came from working out, where you needed to keep hair out of your face
d) You want to pretend that you just came from working out so people won't judge your lack of real, adult clothes
e) Just because you wanted to, who cares what anyone else thinks?

My brain tells me that correct answers include a, c, and e.

Follow-up bonus question: Which of those reasons were my basis for wearing a stretchy headband to the grocery store today? (Hint: None of the reasons that should be correct.)

(I mean I guess I shouldn't really care whether people think I've been working out or just haven't showered in 3 days and couldn't be bothered to wear anything more than workout clothes, but I do like to try and pretend to myself that I'm a real, functioning adult human. And part of that consists of convincing myself that other people will believe I'm a responsible adult, who showers and wears real clothes most of the time and gym clothes only when I'm working out, not all the time like socially-acceptable pajamas.)

Is weirdness genetic?

Or: My parents are rather strange and twisted

When I was younger, my parents used to sing to my sister and I. Mostly for things like bed time: "Bed time, for Katherine, and Emily!"

Sometimes for bath time: "Bath time, for Katherine, and Emily!"

Occasionally for other things, and sometimes they'd add another verse.

They did on rare occasions sing the original words to the song, but it was only very recently, when I actually watched "The Producers," that I made the connection and thought about exactly how strange it would sound to other people that my parents sang to us to the tune of "Springtime for Hitler."

(Alright, I spent way more time than I should have trying to figure out how to embed this video and start it at a particular time - no thanks to either Youtube or Blogger, because I'm doing everything they say should work and it doesn't seem to... Anyway, just start the video at 52 sec. to get the tune, if you don't already know it!)

(I'll give you a minute to imagine bed times of my youth.) (Also I chose this version because John Barrowman.)

My mom revealed that she was shocked the first time my dad did this. (This is me, making a completely unsurprised face that this was begun by my father.) Of course, that didn't stop her from joining in.

My tonsils may be trying to kill me

Warning: I'm talking about being ill in this post. So if medical stuff makes you squeamish, you might want to skip this one. Although it's really not that bad - there's no surgery, or profusely leaking bodily fluids, or broken anything... Read at your own risk, I guess?

My body hates me. In October, my tonsils came after me. I started feeling a little sick on a Wednesday - my throat was slightly sore. I assumed I was coming down with a cold. Thursday morning, it was definitely sore. And I decided to use all my energy baking cookies (because I'm terrible at making decisions when I'm sick. And because I'd promised my friend I'd make them for her birthday, and I keep my promises!). So work that evening was hellacious. I wrote a lamentation/ode to Nyquil. (Proving that suffering leads to the creation of art, if you can call this poem "art.")

A Sickness Lamentation

If only I had worked here

For more than three weeks.

I would have enough leave time

To just skip out

Early

And go home

And sleep.

The sleep of the dead,

A healing sleep,

A Nyquil sleep.

So when I wake up

I will feel new

And whole

And free of this plague.

My eyeballs won't hurt,

And my back will feel fine.

My constant desire

For hot fluids

Will have evaporated.

Oh, Nyquil!

Your beautiful, sleep-giving embrace

Waits to enfold me

In unknowing bliss.

The next three hours

Will feel like torture,

As I anticipate

Your sweet, medicated taste.

Yeah, "poet" is obviously not on my short list of "Jobs I'd be Awesome At."

Friday morning, the Nyquil had failed to produce my anticipated result of helping me sleep off my "cold." My throat felt so gross I skipped out on going to the fair for my friend's birthday to get more sleep. When I finally got up, I looked at my throat in the mirror and was terrified to see a huge white spot on my right tonsil. I gargled with salt water, which of course didn't get rid of the white patch. I drank some tea (which was way more helpful in soothing my throat than the salt water. I'm pretty sure the "gargle with warm salt water" sore throat remedy is just made of grossness and lies.). When I started feeling achy all over I took my temperature: 101°F. My natural response was to start panicking that I might have strep throat, and I didn't have enough leave time at work to take an extra day off, and it would look super sketchy to call in sick the day before my scheduled vacation day, and I wouldn't be able to go see my friends that weekend, and my entire life was going to be ruined, and…! (I was seriously freaking out about this situation, y'all.)

I managed to calm myself down ("Don't start freaking out until you know you actually have strep," I told myself) and I took myself to the doctor's office, where my temperature was down to 99 (woohoo!) and the quick strep test came back negative (Hallelujah!). But, as the doctor noted, it was pretty obvious my tonsils were infected because of the patches of bacteria, some of my lymph nodes being swollen and painful, and my tonsils being huge. Interestingly, they asked multiple times whether my tonsils were normally large, which I had no clue about because I generally only look at my tonsils when I'm sick and my throat is sore, so of course my tonsils are all swollen at those times! Honestly, I don't spend much time looking down my own throat when I'm feeling perfectly fine. (Subsequent checks seem to show that it's plausible I have largish tonsils anyway, but I don't really have any to compare them to, so I still don't know.)

Anyway, it turns out recurrent infections (e.g., getting strep throat every year for about 4 years - yep, did that) can leave you with abscesses in your tonsils in which bacteria - or sometimes food that you eat (that is seriously one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard) - can get stuck and lead to infection. Awesome. My tonsils are trying to kill me.

And then the doctor and the pharmacist colluded to kill me some more by prescribing antibiotics that came in horse pill form. Or possibly it's like Murphy's Law of Medicine - any condition involving a sore throat will be treated with the most gigantic pills available. But I managed to choke (sometimes literally) those suckers down and get cured! Yay! Now I've just got to continue keeping an eye on my tonsils in case they do this again and actually explode or something. (Not sure if that's actually something that might happen, but the doctor made possible future infections sound pretty dire, so I'm assuming exploding body parts would be involved. Or, y'know, just a tonsillectomy.)

Hopefully it's not contagious.

I think I have a terrible case of foot-in-mouth disease. I have become incapable of not saying something insensitive to my friends. For example:

I'm playing Munchkin (a card game. It's super-fun, look it up.) with my friends. I help a friend defeat a monster, but play a card that allows me to steal the levels she would have gained. As she's finishing her turn and marking our points and levels down...

Me: Did you remember to give yourself a level for defeating the monster?

K: *stare* You mean the levels you stole?

Me: *facepalm* Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry!! I wasn't even thinking!!

Then, just last night, I was watching TV at my friend's house.

A: You know what I'd really like? A CookOut burger.

Me: I had one for dinner!

A: You really think now is the time to share that?!

Me: Oh, sorry!! I wasn't thinking! You could go get one…

A: I'm vegetarian!!

Me: Agh! *shamed*

So, yeah, I just can't win. Maybe I'll just stop talking altogether.

Don't lie, you'd do it, too

So, I'm at Mellow Mushroom with some friends, because it's trivia night. (We totally kicked ass, and then blew most of our points in the final round, but we still came in second and got a gift certificate. Awesome. Also, I was the only person who knew that the the Strait of Hormuz connects the Persian Gulf and the Gulf of Oman. Because I rock.)

Anyway, I'd already eaten dinner, so all I ordered was sweet tea and a brownie sundae. And that brownie sundae was pretty damn good. (Although I could have gone for a softer brownie. But the chocolate chips kind of made up for it.) They had arranged this dessert on a large triangular plate, with the brownie and ice cream (both topped with whipped cream) in the middle, and dollops of whipped cream at all the corners, and chocolate sauce drizzled over the entire plate. Amazing. I demolished it. Then, because I obviously wasn't going to let any of that deliciousness go to waste, I was scraping up the chocolate sauce and bits of melted ice cream and whipped cream. Our waitress came around to take up whatever plates and such we were finished with. She asked if I was done. I (naturally) said no.

She judged me. She judged me so hard. I could tell. (She asked if I wanted to keep "playing with" it. Um, not playing. Doing some serious eating, here, woman.)

It's cool, though. I have no regrets.

Except that I managed to drip chocolate sauce on my sweatshirt (I can't take myself anywhere!). And I have a food baby.

Overall, though, that dessert was a great decision. And honestly, madam waitress, I'm pretty sure if all you ordered at a restaurant was dessert, you'd milk it for all it was worth.

Just saying.

You've got no reason to be upset with me.

Dear Right Ankle,

I really don't know what I did to you. Seriously. Except exercise, which is good for me and, therefore, you. I'm not sure why you felt the need to get all swollen and painful. And to stay that way for going on 3 1/2 weeks now. It's awful. You aren't sprained. There's no loose tendon. No joint problem. No broken bone. The left side isn't giving me these sorts of troubles. So what on Earth is wrong with you?!

You aren't even responding consistently to my activities. Some days after I exercise, you are fine and practically look like a normal ankle. Other days (like today), you decide to be extra swollen and hurting. In case you were wondering, I don't appreciate it. At all.

It is time for you to pull yourself together, shape up, and start behaving like a proper ankle again! Because I really don't want to have to get an MRI. Please start working again soon!

Love,
Katherine

Atheists and fundamentalists have something in common... pissing me off!

Dear people of the world,

Okay. Let's get something straight. Religion is not science. And science is not religion. They address completely different questions.

I'm tired of Christians (and other religious people) acting like science has no value. But I'm also tired of atheists who act like all religious people are idiots and deserve to be told that their beliefs have no value.

Here's the thing: religion and science are not mutually exclusive. I'll say it again. RELIGION AND SCIENCE ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

One answers questions about how the world works. And the other answers questions (or at least attempts to answer them) about what it means to be a person and, generally, how to be a good person. Hopefully you can figure out for yourself which is which.

As a scientist and a Christian, I'm sick of hearing religious fundamentalists discount science. I'm also sick of atheists discounting religious beliefs (perhaps you would be more comfortable if I just referred to them as a philosophy). For the religious fundamentalists: stop treating theological texts like they're scientific/historical texts! The Bible (or Torah or Koran) is not now and never has been a science book. Acknowledging that it is not literally true does not take away from the moral lessons that can be obtained from it. (And guess what? "Cherry picking" is what we all do, and it's not actually that bad.) Science is not out to get you and your beliefs. Science is based on real, observable facts and testable, falsifiable hypotheses. Incidentally, religious beliefs in the existence of a God are neither testable nor falsifiable, and so do not qualify as scientific (which is why Intelligent Design should never be taught in science classes). Just because I'm a scientist does not mean I don't believe in God. For the atheists: stop acting like you're so much better than believers because you choose not to believe. Just because I'm a Christian does not mean I don't accept scientific truth (or as close to truth as you can get in science). Here's the way I see it: you're like the first kid in class who finds out Santa isn't actually a real person, and then you have to tell all the other kids that what they're believing isn't true. Except, if you watch the Christmas specials, it quickly becomes apparent (at least, it does to me) that Santa doesn't have to have existence in this reality to have power. That idea of doing something for someone else, of sacrificing your own time and energy to make others happy, of helping other people have a better life and see a little magic in the world, is what Santa is about. I'm sorry that you refuse to believe in any sort of "non-real", "non-scientific" phenomenon, but I choose to see magic and beauty and meaning in life, because I'm a human and it makes me feel connected to other humans (and other life). I'll listen to your belief (or lack thereof) in a deity, if you'll listen to my (admittedly not entirely clear even to myself sometimes) beliefs. But my choosing to continue to believe in a Santa of some sort does not give you the right to treat me like I'm stupid. Yes, I have faith. And I'm happy to continue with my faith. My continued belief in God does not harm you, and as such it is none of your business. It is between myself and the God I choose to belief in. I don't need you to act like my admission of belief is an invitation for you to try and prove to me why I shouldn't believe. I don't treat your admission of non-belief as an invitation for me to try and convert you to my faith. I'm sorry if other religious believers have treated it that way, but I will not. Please return the favor.

One final time: RELIGION. IS. NOT. SCIENCE. AND. SCIENCE. IS. NOT. RELIGION. They are not mutually exclusive.

Sincerely,
Katherine

PS - I think that Santa analogy kind of got away from me there... It did come off rather "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus". Granted, I obviously support that idea, so...

I don't even know how I hurt myself

Dear ankle/foot,

I'm really not sure what I did to you to deserve this. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything. Except exercise, which is good for me, and therefore you. But it's been almost two weeks and you're still swollen, and kind of painful on occasion when I move the wrong way. I really don't appreciate it. Please get your act together and start functioning again soon. And please, please, please don't be broken! I really would like to stay friends.

Love,
Katherine

How you can edit Billy Joel like that I don't know

Dear Magic 98.9,

I'm not sure who told you it was okay to cut an entire verse out of "Piano Man," but it's definitely not okay. That song is amazing and should always be played fully. I'm just not sure I can listen to your radio station if you're going to do things like that!

With indignation,
Katherine

There is something seriously wrong with this woman.

Dear Sandra Lee,

Why do you exist? The things you do are beyond crazy. You are seriously like the Antichrist of cooking. A roux should never be made with oil!! You use butter. That is your fat. Oil is not an acceptable substitute. There is no need to buy a whole seasoning packet to just use a couple tablespoons. Here's a thought: create recipes that use actual spices - it's really not that difficult. And then you can use those spices in different proportions and combinations in other recipes, instead of being stuck with random, partly-full packets of pre-mixed seasonings. And you don't have to worry about "avoiding onions" when you scoop seasoning out of a packet of dry soup mix. Nobody wants ice cream that looks like a baked potato. The pudding is going to fall off your little banana pudding bites. (Also? A real chef would come up with a way to have an individual-size banana pudding dessert without that complication. Like adapting it into cupcakes. Or little tarts. Or just serving regular banana pudding in a little dish.) Please stop glopping store-bought icing with weird crap added in onto angel food cakes. What did the angel food cake ever do to you? Here's a hint: angel food cake tastes great on its own, without frosting. Also, when you frost a cake, you could just put it on a pretty plate instead of an upside down pie tin which you then frost. Wasting frosting on decorating a pie tin is unnecessary and awful. Have you ever seriously tried to frost a cake? I don't think you have. Because if you had, you would know about gel paste food coloring (which works much better for frostings than liquid food coloring) and you would, at least occasionally, use actual piping bags with real couplers and tips on, instead of just cutting a corner off a plastic bag. I'm not saying there's never a time and place for that sort of thing, but you should not do that every time you decorate!! It's also a good idea, when combining two "media" (e.g., frosting and melted chocolate), to make sure you have the same shade of green (or whatever color you're using). And if someone ever showed up at a wedding (or other "love"-themed party) with a cake like your "Love Cake", I would literally throw it in their face.

And it really, really kills me that you are teaching your children to "cook" this way!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to comfort myself by looking at recipes and cookbooks featuring real food, created by real cooks and bakers. I might also have to make myself some macaroni and cheese (from scratch! With a roux made with butter!!) to feel better.

There is no word that properly captures my abhorrence of your creations,

Katherine

PS: It's not that I'm against making things from store-bought mixes, or using those sorts of short-cuts occasionally… I'm against the mutilation of food. Food should be tasty and enjoyable. No one cares if you don't make changes to a store-bought mix - there's a reason the mix made it to the store - it's already tasty! And yes, it is possible to change things in a good way (there are multiple "Cake Mix Doctor" cookbooks proving this; also see just about any cooking blog out there). But the changes you make… Are generally not what I would term improvements. (Also? The reason your sugar cookies "taste better" than the frozen mix is because you add a whole bunch of fat and sugar to them with that cream cheese. Just sayin'.)

PPS: It is no wonder you are so thin. I can't imagine many of these recipes, especially the desserts, actually taste good.

PPPS: I don't think these sandwiches are the "nutty star" on this show...