Thursday, January 6, 2011

There is something seriously wrong with this woman.

Dear Sandra Lee,

Why do you exist? The things you do are beyond crazy. You are seriously like the Antichrist of cooking. A roux should never be made with oil!! You use butter. That is your fat. Oil is not an acceptable substitute. There is no need to buy a whole seasoning packet to just use a couple tablespoons. Here's a thought: create recipes that use actual spices - it's really not that difficult. And then you can use those spices in different proportions and combinations in other recipes, instead of being stuck with random, partly-full packets of pre-mixed seasonings. And you don't have to worry about "avoiding onions" when you scoop seasoning out of a packet of dry soup mix. Nobody wants ice cream that looks like a baked potato. The pudding is going to fall off your little banana pudding bites. (Also? A real chef would come up with a way to have an individual-size banana pudding dessert without that complication. Like adapting it into cupcakes. Or little tarts. Or just serving regular banana pudding in a little dish.) Please stop glopping store-bought icing with weird crap added in onto angel food cakes. What did the angel food cake ever do to you? Here's a hint: angel food cake tastes great on its own, without frosting. Also, when you frost a cake, you could just put it on a pretty plate instead of an upside down pie tin which you then frost. Wasting frosting on decorating a pie tin is unnecessary and awful. Have you ever seriously tried to frost a cake? I don't think you have. Because if you had, you would know about gel paste food coloring (which works much better for frostings than liquid food coloring) and you would, at least occasionally, use actual piping bags with real couplers and tips on, instead of just cutting a corner off a plastic bag. I'm not saying there's never a time and place for that sort of thing, but you should not do that every time you decorate!! It's also a good idea, when combining two "media" (e.g., frosting and melted chocolate), to make sure you have the same shade of green (or whatever color you're using). And if someone ever showed up at a wedding (or other "love"-themed party) with a cake like your "Love Cake", I would literally throw it in their face.

And it really, really kills me that you are teaching your children to "cook" this way!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to comfort myself by looking at recipes and cookbooks featuring real food, created by real cooks and bakers. I might also have to make myself some macaroni and cheese (from scratch! With a roux made with butter!!) to feel better.

There is no word that properly captures my abhorrence of your creations,

PS: It's not that I'm against making things from store-bought mixes, or using those sorts of short-cuts occasionally… I'm against the mutilation of food. Food should be tasty and enjoyable. No one cares if you don't make changes to a store-bought mix - there's a reason the mix made it to the store - it's already tasty! And yes, it is possible to change things in a good way (there are multiple "Cake Mix Doctor" cookbooks proving this; also see just about any cooking blog out there). But the changes you make… Are generally not what I would term improvements. (Also? The reason your sugar cookies "taste better" than the frozen mix is because you add a whole bunch of fat and sugar to them with that cream cheese. Just sayin'.)
PPS: It is no wonder you are so thin. I can't imagine many of these recipes, especially the desserts, actually taste good.
PPPS: I don't think these sandwiches are the "nutty star" on this show... 

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